Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
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Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Mouse
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.