Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
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I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun