[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
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#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
DOOO EEEET
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I’m not proud