the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.