6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
You Might Also Like
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Had an epiphany today.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Awwwww shit.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.