Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT