I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
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people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
congratulations to them
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Potatoes were such a good idea
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs