“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up