Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
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They got Raph!
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ