police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
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The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws