Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
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MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.