my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
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“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.