Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.