i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
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On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Never forget.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.