My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
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Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky