Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.