What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it