Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
You Might Also Like
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare