ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
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When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Who knew!
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
💯😂
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.