Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
You Might Also Like
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
My last name is Zilla.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.