Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
remember
only for emergencies
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head