i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
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I didn’t realize that was an option
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.