I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
THE AUDACITY. 😤
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.