I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes