Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.