*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
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Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
2 years later
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji