[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
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Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
moms in horror movies
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Not today, today.
Not today.