I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
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the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.