If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Accurate
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas