Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.