When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
You Might Also Like
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave