Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
You Might Also Like
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
ok this is my dumbest yet
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.