My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
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Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?