[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
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someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
*pronounces patio like ratio
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.