[adds another nod to the conversation]
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“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.