If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
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My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I feel seen
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Wikigenius
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh