Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
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can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together