[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
You Might Also Like
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)