I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
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Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I enjoy a good short stor
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no