Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
CUTE CAT‼︎
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off