What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
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gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores