Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
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Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?