I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*