There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator