One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
i wish we could shoplift online
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.