SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
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Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Those are good neighbors.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh