*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Not recommended for beginners.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
huge if true: the moon
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Lol
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!