Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
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I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.