I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
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cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
consequences, the bane of my existence
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.