I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
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[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!